From Approval to Alignment: How One Leader Broke the People-Pleasing Cycle
Have you ever felt like you're always trying to make everyone happy? In life, and especially in leadership, it's easy to fall into the trap of being a people-pleaser. You want everyone to like you, agree with you, and be satisfied with your decisions. But what happens when trying to please everyone means you lose your own voice, your own direction, and your true impact?
This is a story about a leader named Sarah. Sarah was good at her job, very good. She was kind, helpful, and always ready to lend an ear. Everyone on her team loved her. But deep down, Sarah felt drained. She was constantly seeking approval, and it was stopping her from being the best leader she could be. This is a story about how Sarah learned to stop pleasing and start aligning. It's about how she discovered that boundaries aren’t barriers—they’re leadership tools.
The People-Pleasing Trap in Leadership
Being a leader often means making tough choices. It means guiding a team, setting a vision, and sometimes, saying no. But for many, like Sarah, the desire to be liked can get in the way.
Imagine this: Sarah has a team meeting. A difficult decision needs to be made about a project's direction. Instead of clearly stating her view, Sarah would try to find a solution that made everyone happy. She’d listen to every suggestion, no matter how small, and try to fit them all in. This often led to:
Slow decisions: Because she wanted everyone's input and approval.
Confusing directions: Because the final plan was a mix of too many ideas.
Burnout: Because she was constantly stressed about making everyone happy.
Lack of clear leadership: People respected her kindness, but sometimes questioned her direction.
Sarah's fear of upsetting anyone meant she often avoided direct conversations or setting clear expectations. She thought being flexible was a strength, but it became a weakness. This is the people-pleasing trap in leadership. It looks like kindness, but it can actually hold back a team and a leader.
The Turning Point – Recognizing the Pattern
Sarah didn’t wake up one day and decide to stop people-pleasing. It was a gradual realization, sparked by growing frustration. She noticed:
Her projects weren't moving as fast as they should.
She felt exhausted even after a "successful" day.
She often felt unheard, even though she listened to everyone else.
Her own ideas and insights were getting lost in the noise of trying to accommodate everyone.
One evening, after another long day of trying to smooth over disagreements and make everyone comfortable, Sarah felt completely depleted. She confided in a friend, who was a coach for life online. Her friend listened patiently and then asked a simple, yet powerful question: "Sarah, whose approval are you seeking, and why?"
That question hit Sarah hard. She realized she wasn't seeking approval for the work itself, but for herself. She wanted to be seen as the "nice" leader, the "easy-going" leader. This was her turning point – recognizing the pattern of her people-pleasing habits.
What Is Alignment in Leadership?
Once Sarah recognized her pattern, she needed a new goal. Her coach introduced her to the concept of alignment in leadership. This wasn't about being bossy or ignoring others. It was about something deeper.
Alignment means:
Being clear on your own values: What do you truly believe in as a leader? What are your non-negotiables?
Having a clear vision: Where are you trying to take your team or project?
Making decisions that fit that vision and those values: Even if it means some people might not be thrilled.
Communicating clearly and consistently: So everyone knows the direction, even if they don't agree with every step.
Building trust through consistency, not just agreement: When people know where you stand, they trust you more.
It’s about making decisions that are in line with your goals and values, rather than just what will make others happy. It's about finding harmony between your actions and your ultimate purpose. Leadership alignment vs approval means leading with purpose, not just popularity.
The Journey to Breaking the People-Pleasing Cycle
Breaking old habits is never easy. For Sarah, it was a journey, not a switch. Here’s how she started:
Small Boundaries First: She began by setting small, clear boundaries. For example, instead of immediately agreeing to every last-minute meeting request, she’d check her calendar and politely suggest a different time if she was already booked.
Practicing "No": She started practicing saying "no" to things that didn't align with her priorities. This felt incredibly uncomfortable at first, but each "no" felt a little easier.
Clear Communication: Instead of vague statements, Sarah started using direct language. "My decision is X because it aligns with Y goal." She explained why decisions were made, rather than just seeking agreement.
Embracing Disagreement: She learned that not everyone would always agree, and that was okay. She focused on listening to understand, not just to respond or appease. She learned to differentiate between healthy debate and needing to be liked.
Seeking Feedback on Impact, Not Just Likability: Sarah began asking her team for feedback on her clarity and direction, rather than just their general satisfaction. She wanted to know if her leadership was effective, not just if she was well-liked.
Working with her Coach: Her happiness coach helped her navigate the discomfort of change and reinforced the value of authentic leadership strategies.
This journey wasn't smooth. There were moments of doubt and fear of being seen as "difficult." But Sarah kept reminding herself of her new goal: aligning leadership with values, not just seeking approval.
The Results – A Transformed Leader
The changes didn't happen overnight, but they were profound. The results of Sarah breaking the people-pleasing cycle were incredible:
Faster Decisions: Meetings became more focused, and decisions were made more quickly and effectively.
Clearer Direction: Her team understood the vision and their roles much better. They knew what was expected.
Increased Respect: While she might not have been everyone's "best friend," her team respected her strength, clarity, and consistency. They saw her as a truly capable leader.
Reduced Burnout: Sarah felt more energized and less stressed. She wasn't constantly trying to manage everyone's emotions.
Greater Impact: Her projects started seeing better results, and her team became more productive and innovative. They were aligned.
Reclaimed Agency: Sarah felt a powerful sense of control over her own actions and decisions. She was truly leading, not just reacting.
Sarah found that when she stopped chasing approval, she actually gained more respect and was able to make a greater impact. Her leadership became powerful and effective.
Lessons for Other Leaders
Sarah's story offers crucial lessons for anyone in a leadership position, or even just in their personal life, who struggles with overcoming people-pleasing habits:
Self-Awareness is Key: The first step is recognizing if you're stuck in the people-pleasing trap. Ask yourself: "Am I making this decision to please others or because it's the right decision for the goal/team/value?"
Define Your Values and Vision: Before you can align, you need to know what you're aligning with. What are your core principles as a leader?
Practice Saying "No": Start small. Say no to minor requests that don't serve your purpose. It gets easier with practice.
Communicate Clearly: Don't assume others know your intentions. Explain your decisions and rationale.
Embrace Discomfort: Growth often comes with discomfort. It's okay if not everyone is happy all the time. Your job is to lead, not to appease.
Seek Support: A coach or mentor can provide invaluable guidance and accountability as you navigate this shift.
Boundaries are Tools, Not Walls: Think of boundaries not as something that keeps people out, but as something that defines your space and allows you to lead more effectively. They protect your energy and focus.
Conclusion
Sarah's journey from seeking approval to embracing alignment shows us that true leadership isn't about being liked by everyone. It's about having the courage to lead with purpose, clarity, and authenticity. It’s about understanding that boundaries aren’t barriers—they’re leadership tools that help you define your space, protect your vision, and ultimately, make a bigger, more positive impact.
Are you ready to break free from the people-pleasing cycle and align your leadership with your true potential? The path might be challenging, but the rewards—for you, your team, and your impact—are truly worth it.