Overcoming Negative Self - Talk and Limiting Beliefs
Insights from ‘Loving What Is’ and ‘The Four Agreements’
I find clients suffering from taking things personally, making assumptions and negative self-talk. To help them overcome these limitations, I use methods from two of my favorite books: “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie and “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.
From the book “Loving What Is”, I leverage Byron Katie method to help ‘turn around’ the negative thoughts and emotions. Katie describes her method as “The Work”, where you identify each negative thought and turn it around using four simple questions.
When faced with a negative thought or belief, ask yourself:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it's true?
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
When clients are struggling with negative thoughts, I ask them ‘who would you be without that thought or belief?’. The question creates an immediate unlock for the client. As a coach, it is a beautiful thing to see the realization dawn on clients that the negative thought or emotion is not true and is not helping them lead the life they want. Furthermore, they begin to understand that who they want to be is just on the other side of this thought or belief. This realization makes it much easier to let go of that thought or belief. Although it may take a few cycles or rounds to work through all the negativity, my clients emerge stronger and more aligned versions of themselves.
Recently, I was working with a client, who was changing careers. She was starting her own business, finally living her purpose, but she was stalling the ‘launch’. She had some limiting beliefs: ‘what if I stumble?’, ‘what if I fail?’. And when I inquired ‘what would happen if you stumbled?’ She recognized her own resilience, that she could weather a failure. And when I asked her, ‘who would you be without these limiting thoughts?’. She lit up, her face began to smile, her whole body changed, and she spoke with confidence and assuredness. Later that week she launched her business and within the first 24 hours of her launch, she signed up 28 clients! She had to restrict her hours - because the clients were pouring in. This is the power of questioning your thoughts and exploring what’s on the other side of the fear.
I also pull from “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz into my coaching sessions. This book presents four promises that you make with yourself, which I view as cornerstones to achieve personal freedom.
The Four Agreements you make to yourself are:
Be impeccable with your word
Don't take anything personally
Don't make assumptions
Always do your best
The agreements are ‘pacts’ that help you achieve freedom and ultimately happiness. I had a recent example of a client who had requested a recommendation from a former colleague for an MBA program. The colleague wasn’t responding. My client immediately thought ‘it’s because they can’t write a positive recommendation'. ‘It’s because I’m not good enough’. ‘Maybe they don’t think I can get into an MBA program’. But after a few weeks the colleague responded with a glowing recommendation and an apology explaining that they were struggling with house crisis, busy work and not much down time at home. Reminding my client to not take things personally and not to make assumptions helped them to bridge the gap of time until the recommendation was received.
If you begin to practice the Four Agreements as cornerstone of your life, you will elevate towards conscious freedom. When clients come to me with negative thoughts, I become curious and dance with them around each agreement. This practice helps to ground them and bring them back to themselves, stripped of judgement and negativity.
“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness.”
— Brene Brown
Ultimately, my goal as a coach is to help my clients achieve greater freedom and happiness by overcoming their negative thoughts and emotions. By drawing on the insights from these two powerful books, I provide them with the tools and support they need to overcome self-doubt, improve their self-talk, lead a more fulfilling life and achieve their goals.
I want to help you overcome negative self-talk and limiting beliefs. Ready to explore them together and uplevel your life?